Dennis McCarthy: Here's a toast to all the wit of the Irish

In honor of the patron saint whom folklore has it banished the snakes from Ireland and sent them to Wall Street, I'm upholding a grand old Irish tradition today and doing as little work as possible.

True, there are some who would say they can't tell the difference because I do as little work as possible every day. Ignore them. They're not Irish.

I am. Half, anyway. My mother's Italian, and, yes, I do like her cooking a whole lot better.

But I love the Irish wit. Nobody turns a saying or gives a toast like the Irish.

"May those who love us, love us. And for those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts. And if he can not turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping."

Happy Saint Patrick's Day. Here's hoping you don't run into any limpers today.

I've put together some of my favorite Irish sayings and toasts, editing out most of the drinking ones because I don't want angry calls and e-mails tomorrow from people who think I'm sterotyping the Irish as big drinkers.

We're not. We don't imbibe anymore than the ... (fill in your favorite nationality.)

So, enjoy, and if you are having a few green beers on this day when everybody's Irish, be smart and call a cab.

"Here's to you, here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be. But if we ever disagree, forget you, here's to ME!!"

"May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head

be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead."

"As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way."

"May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, the angels protect you, and heaven accept you."

"May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent."

"If wars were fought with words, Ireland would be ruling the world."

"Bricks and mortar make a house but the laughter of children makes a home."

"A family of Irish birth will argue and fight, but let a shout come from without and see them unite."

"Here's to you and yours, and to mine and ours. And if mine and ours ever come across to you and yours, I hope you and yours will do as much for mine and ours as mine and ours have done for you and yours."

"A toast to your coffin. May it be made of 100-year-old oak. And may we plant the tree together, tomorrow."

"I drink to your health when I'm with you, I drink to your health when I'm alone. I drink to your health so often, I'm starting to worry about my own."

"God made the Italians for their beauty. The French for fine food. The Swedes for intelligence. And on and on until he looked at what he had created and said, `This is all very fine but no one is having fun. I guess I'll have to make me an Irishman."'

"An American lawyer asked, `Paddy, why is it whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?' "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

"Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, `Not guilty.' "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

"It's easy to be pleasant when life flows by like a song. But the man worth while is the one who can smile when everything goes dead wrong."

And the most famous Irish blessing of all:

"May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

The rains fall soft upon your fields,

And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand."

Happy Saint Patrick's Day.

Dennis McCarthy's column appears in the Los Angeles Daily News on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. dennis.mccarthy@dailynews.com.

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